What could I have done?

When I read commentaries on the profile of Seung-hui Cho, the Virginia Tech gunman, I am reminded of someone I knew back in Grade 11.

A loner, he was a person everyone picked on, especially girls. The girls had no reservations over talking or giggling about him right in front of him. I felt sorry for him and befriended him as best I could, making extra effort to be mindful of him, saying hello whenever I could. At one point I remember defending him from some of my girl friends' cruel remarks. However, there was something about him that made me feel unsettled, mostly in the way he looked at people and the way he grinned.

After high school, I went to university in a different part of the country. One day I received a letter (this was before email) from this person, asked me how I was doing. Though it did bother me that he actually tracked me down, I replied just to be nice, knowing friendliness was what he needed. His second letter came, telling me that I had a crush on him and was hitting on him back in high school... and yes, he would be my boyfriend! I replied to set him straight, and asked him not to write any more (I was scared). Then came another letter, telling me how I had hurt his feelings and how he felt rejected - that it was my fault, because I started it. Then he went on telling me about how poor he was, and how he worked hard for his family and cared for them. Finally, he told me how my rejection letter almost made him take his gun out of his drawer and kill himself - but the thought of his family stopped him from doing so.

I felt quite scared. Not that he could commit suicide because I strongly felt he was just being dramatic to make me feel guilty (and guns weren't easily available where I come from). I was scared by how his mind could so easily imagine all of these untrue and ungrounded things about me. How he blamed me for causing his pain. What he was implying was that if he did die, his blood would be on my hands. And that's something Cho actually said.

Cho was a loner, but people wanted to make friends with him. They wanted to reach out to him, but he shut himself in and pushed them away. Maybe the friendship extended to him were sometimes misinterpreted - maybe that's what happened with the girls he stalked.

What can we do with such a person? In my case, could I have done anything differently, after my friendliness was misinterpreted? Was I cold and insensitive when I said no and told him the truth? Was I not quite friendly enough? How much would have been enough? He was the one who defined what was acceptable in his relationships. It was all about him.

This is not to say what he suffered through high school wasn't real, or that people weren't cruel to him. Those things happen to many people, and they do hurt. We all could have done a lot better. However, other people could only do so much for him. In the end, it was his own responsibility to be the caretaker of his personal thoughts and feelings, choices and actions. He needed to admit his own brokenness apart from everything and everyone else. He needed to stop shifting the responsibility and blame to everyone else and to the world.

This is true of all of us. We're not perfect, and neither are our relationships. We're broken. But there is good news! Recognising our own wretchedness leads us to acknowledge our need for Jesus to forgive us, and restore our most important relationship, with God. This is the true foundation for establishing right, loving relationship with our fellow human beings.